![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
- Mood:
crappy - Music:lost - katy perry
I've recently realized that I sort of do believe in fate a little. I believe in soul mates at least. If two people are meant for each other they will find each other one day. I think people have more than one, and not every one of them is "the one." I mean that you may have a soul mate that marriage wouldn't necessarily be a good thing with. See, I believe that soul mates are made before we're even born and thus, before we have been changed by life. A person's soul may be a perfect match with yours, but things in your separate lives have put morals and ambitions in your hearts that could separate your heart from that soul mate’s.
Timing is everything, too. That's basically where I was going with this. That was all some random side note. My brain does that to me sometimes. Anyways, timing is everything. I think it’s a good thing this all went down the way it did. If we're supposed to be together at any point, it will happen. We both have growing to do. I've seen a side of him lately that is a little less amazing. I think that it's either a phase or the person he's become. I don't think that my James could ever become the way he's been, though. I think it has to do with one of two things that I'm not going to mention, so I hope it's a phase. If that person is the real James, then maybe it's best we stay good friends.
I think James may be one of those soul mates that just grew up differently than me. I honestly don't think I could feel the way I do if we weren't soul mates, but we're SO different. We enjoy a lot of the same things, but there are so many things I'm passionate about that he sometimes goes the other way on.
I'm rambling again. So, I think I may really be okay this time. I think I can finally move on, staying friends and everything. I really don't know what I'd do if we couldn't be friends. He means so much more to me than just some "love interest". I can't go through losing my best friend again. Losing contact with Ty and Megan still kills me sometimes. Maybe I just want him to be my best friend so I can stand a chance when he and his girlfriend finally break up. I wonder about that sometimes, but I do care about him more than anything including myself. That says something, right? In fact, the very fact that I keep putting myself through the same thing over and over is saying something. That I still want to talk to him all the time after what he's done with my heart....
It's amazing, really. Even when I think about the heartbreak, I've gotten myself to the point where it doesn't even physically hurt anymore. I really think I'm going to be okay. You have no idea how happy that makes me! I'm finally out of my little bottomless pit of self-pity and despair! I can be happy again! Yay! I'm free! Seriously.... I kinda feel like I'm free-falling right now. I kinda want to go play that song now.... I think I will.... Goodnight world! Well, I hope you're already asleep. Guitar time! Tootles!
- Mood:
free - Music:Faking My Own Suicide - Relient K
Some background: My dad has made several comments to me in my life, especially in the past year or two, about how I've been a slacker and slackers don't make it in life. This is a good thing to be aware of, but it's the way he says it. Everytime I get excited about anything related to college he immediately reminds me that, "People who slack off in high school fail out of college." Those were the exact words he used. My dad's a great guy! I'm positive he just wants to help, but it's not working. When he says those things, all he does is make me feel like I can't succeed.
Back to the almost present. So I told him I was taking 18 hours, and he said, "You barely passed high school. You don't have the study skills." Fair enough. I told him I do, I just didn't care as much my senior year because... well it was my senior year.... almost everybody's grades drop a little their senior year. (I didn't tell him this part, but I was behind from being home sick for 7 weeks. I had all A's until I got sick and slept for 16-18 hours and day. Literally.) I told him it would be better in college. He said, "How do you know? You don't have a very good track record. Prove it."
Now I'm freaking out. What if he's right? What if I can't do it? Taking some extra hours in college is only the beginning of it all, too. See, I have decided to go into business now. Not just any business either. I always hate telling people what I want to do because I feel like... I don't even know. I'll just come out with it. I want to start a business with the purpose of providing work for impoverished people that pays fair wages and has a good work environment. This business is meant for 3rd world countries, but will most likely need to make it's start in America. I'm sick of people taking advantage of those who are less fortunate than themselves, and I'm sick of waiting on the world to change! I love that song! It's so true, and I'm not going to wait anymore! I am going to take a stand and make a difference in the world!
That's where my dad's comment comes in. If I can't even make it in high school, how will I make it in college? If I can't make it in college, how can I expect to make it in the business world? And can I really do everything it will take to make my dream a reality? What if I am just too insignificant a part of the world to do anything great? I want to do great things, but I don't know if I can. People say "you can do anything you set your mind to", but that's bull shit. There are so many things I've wanted to do and haven't been able to. I'm not even going to go into that. It's too depressing.
- Mood:
intimidated - Music:On the Radio - Regina Spektor
*sigh*
Life is good.
- Mood:
loved - Music:Red Sam - Flyleaf
Okay, so here's the plan. I'm going to slowly convince myself that he's like my brother. It's either that, I don't ever talk to him, or I continue being tortured by this. I can't stand the pain, so that's out. Never talking to him would be like losing a part of myself, and that doesn't sound very pleasant. So I'm basically stuck with the brother idea. I'm sick of my life being consumed by James. I can't think about anything else, and thinking about him makes me die a little inside every time. I'm sure my friends are so sick of hearing about him, too. Poor Kira. It's her brother. That would be so weird, having to listen to someone go on about my brother the way I do.
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Mannequin by Katy Perry
Why does he do this to me? Every time I start to get over him, something happens to give me hope and it all starts all over again. This one was big, too. He told me flat out that I still have his heart. Why? Why would he tell me that? He's staying with her..... What have I done to deserve all of this? Seriously! It hurts so bad. I can't live like this. I can't do this.
- Mood: depressed
- Mood: wishful
- Music:Another Girl Another Planet - Blink 182
- Mood:
forgotten - Music:Dammit - Blink-182
- Mood: blank
Well, I got my answer from Matt. I didn't like what it was. He said James is happy, which is great! Don't get me wrong. I want him to be happy. I just wish that could involve me being happy also. I've decided that if Jamie starts being how he is around me again, I'll have to tell him that I need to have some distance for a while. I'll always want to be there for him whenever he needs me, and I hope he feels the same way in that respect, but I can't be the way we are. It hurts too bad, and I need to take care of myself. I want to be his friend, but we just can't be best friends while he's with Kelsey.
- Mood: gloomy
- Mood: anxious
- Music:I Need A Hero
Then my home is where you are,
But it's getting oh so hard to spend
These days without my heart.
-Relient K (I'm Taking You With Me)
- Mood:
mellow
But it's done now! No more stress!
Good luck class of 2008!!
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:Here I Go Again by Whitesnake
My best friend is the most amazing person I have ever met. I can't even begin to say how amazing he is. I met him years ago when I came to this town, but I didn't get to know him until last year. I only sort of knew him before the summer, but when we went on UM Army last summer, everything changed. We got so close, and it was great. He always makes me laugh, no matter what mood I'm in. I wish I understood then just how much he would come to mean to me.
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Realize by Colbie Caillat
i am SOOO over justin now! we're still friends and everything, but i wouldn't go out with him or anything. this entry is really late, but i met someone last saturday at a dance. i went to a dance with my wonderful friend kathryn! it was a mormon dance, so i didn't really expect to really pick up any guys. oh, but i did.
there was this one guy there that ALL the girls were going gaagaa over.... jon. he's REALLY cute.... i mean..... this guy is SEXY! omg, you have no idea..... and he's tall..... and..... and...... *sigh* he's perfect! kathryn got me to dance with him, which i was WAY to afraid to do. i was so embarassed when she asked him for me, but now..... thank you kathryn!!!! you are the BEST!!!!
we talked while we danced, like most people do, but i could just feel something there. plus he is HOOOOOTTTTTT! so i went and sat and talked to him a few times...... something i would have never done in a million years anywhere else....... and it turns out we like a lot of the same kind of stuff, especially music. we talked about music for a long time. it was so fun! i could actually be myself, and somebody was actually interested in the real me!
at the end of the night, i REALLY didn't want to never see him again or wait til the next time we both happened to be at one of the dances. i REALLY wanted his myspace or something, but he was totally surrounded by all these girls from his town. it would be soooo embarrassing to just walk over and be like "can i have your myspace?" right? well kathryn, ever the best friend in the world, just waltzed over and pushed me right beside him. now i HAD to ask or i would look stupid. so i did, and he gave it to me, and the dance was over.
the next day, i went and found him and added him on myspace. the next day, he still hadn't added me. i was crushed. i figured he was just being polite giving it to me in the first place. but then, the day after that, he added me and started talking to me right off the bat! do you know how good it felt to have a guy talk to me first, instead of me having to start all the conversations? omg, it was bliss!
so we talked for a few days, kind of flirting on and off, and suddenly....... POW! he asked me on a date!!!! omg!!!! you have no idea!!!! i am SOOOO excited!!!! i have a date friday night with the hottest guy i've ever known!!! *sigh* i haven't been on a date in..... well i guess i've technically never been on a date..... i haven't had a boyfriend since the summer before my freshman year. i always hung out at home with my boyfriends...... hmmmm..... i have no clue how to act..... or what to wear for that matter, seeing as he's mormon and everything...... uh oh...... o well. i'm fine. i have a date with jon on friday!
life is good.....
- Mood:
bouncy
i still wasn't convinced, though. i even asked him later if he was being serious when he said that or if it was just a line. he told me he was being serious and i believe him. so i guess the whole dating justing thing will have to wait, but in the mean time we can talk. we talked a lot last night. i shared a lot of things that most people don't know. we're actually getting pretty close! it's kind of exciting! anyways, i need to quit with all of my entries about justin. i'm starting to look obsessed.
good night world.
- Mood: excited
i'm sure i'm just being ridiculous, but justin's making me kinda sad today. last night he said he would be on msn during the day today, but he hasn't been on yet and it's already 7:30! he even got onto myspace earlier, but not msn. did i do something or is he just busy? i want to know what's going on in his head. i want to know if i have a chance with him. this is why i hate dating. i hate not knowing. i want to get to all of the good stuf now and leave all this confusion crap behind.
love sucks. life sucks. i want to talk to justin.....
- Mood: disappointed
so i got back from young life camp on sunday, and i had an amazing time!!! i met so many new people like my hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend, justin! he is SOOOO cute! his face is cute like in an "awww.... that's so adorable" kind of way, which i like, but his body....... omg! he is like rock hard! especially his legs! omg! it's awesome! and he's got this adorable smile...... but he won't smile in his pictures. he's the big country boy who loves to hunt and fish and lives/works on a farm-type-thing. i'm not usually into that kind of thing, but for some reason, that's one of the things that makes him so damn sexy!
i rode home with him on the drive back, and it was wonderful! even when he was practically laying on top of me and i couldn't move, i was still happy. we talked and laughed and flirted the whole time. i think he may have gotten a little happy a few times if you know what i mean..... which i wasn't exactly discouraging...... (honestly, he was kind of turning me on too) i had to try so hard not to kiss him!
the only thing he does that i don't like is.... he dips. that is so gross! i hate when people do that! but he even ended up using that to his advantage at one point on the ride. he had heard me say earlier that i hate dip, so when he wanted to, he moved seats. i didn't even know that that's what he moved for until way later when sara found the bottle he spit in. i think it was really sweet that he moved to do that and even sweeter that he didn't even tell me so i wouldn't have to think about it.
so we've been talking a lot on msn, and i think we're getting closer and closer to dating. i am so excited! i'm gonna have the house to myself from this saturday for like a week and i was so excited about being able to invite him over and have some alone time with him..... but it's not gonna work. he's gonna be on the coast with his brother-in-law the whole time! it sucks! but you know what's cute? he said he's going to bring a laptop with him so he could talk to me on msn while he's there! he's gonna be on the coast, but he would rather talk to me than do anything else! he is SOOO sweet!
o wow. i REALLY like him. *sigh*
- Mood:
flirty
